Brace yourselves for the shocker of the decade: Electric bikes, first hailed as the Asian wonder and European rage, have now infiltrated American shores! Before you get swept up in the electrifying wave, let's discuss the many, many "consequences" of owning one of these two-wheeled powerhouses.

Firstly, the audacity of e-bikes to secretly whip you into shape! Unbeknownst to many, these deceitful machines might actually trick you into, *gasp*, exercising. Imagine the horror when you realize you're burning calories and might even (dare we say it?) shed a pound or two! And all those gym memberships we’ve been so diligently not using might become truly pointless. But wait, there's more. With the money saved on gas, maintenance, parking, and health care (thanks to your new and improved cardiovascular health), you’ll find yourself drowning in extra cash. Someone better alert the stock market because the influx of savings from these e-bike owners is sure to disrupt the economy.

But that's not all. These sly bicycles, with their open design, force you to endure the bracing onslaught of fresh air and scenic beauty. The sheer trauma of nature, the wind tangling your hair, and the audacity of sun rays hitting your face. Be warned! And then, the most egregious of all – *forced* friendliness. Suddenly, every e-bike journey turns into a small-town parade with cheerful nods, annoying smiles, and endless "howdy-do's" from fellow riders. Truly, how are we to survive in such a cordial world? Think long and hard before you're tempted by the e-bike allure; these are the "trials" you'll face. You've been warned.